‘Not Convinced’ by Louise McClean

They don’t know what to do with me. It was leaving the gas on all night that did it. I was OK up to that. I keep telling them, that was only once and it won’t happen again, but they won’t listen. I don’t want to go into a home. I’ve had my own home for over fifty years. I can please myself what I do and there’s no-one to order me about. I like it here.
But Ann and Joan worry about me since the gas thing. They do love me I know and they don’t want to upset me but they don’t trust me on my own any more. They say it’s for my own good and that I’ll love it there with people of my own age to talk to and having my meals all cooked for me. But I won’t, I’ll hate it I just know.
All my happy memories are in this house. It’s no palace, I know, but Albert and me made it lovely. We used to save up for months or even years to buy the things we wanted - the new chairs and the rugs and the oak dining room table and chairs that I polished every week. I remember when we had the bathroom put in we were so proud
The girls were both born here, in this very house and we were so happy -our little family for all those years. There was never a lot of money but that never seemed to matter. Both girls got married from here too and we were so proud of them. We liked the lads they chose too. They were nice boys both of them with good steady jobs. Then when our grandchildren, Jason and Kelly, came along we loved helping with them in the school holidays. They were, still are really, such bright clever little things and the things they came out with you’d never believe! Oh they did make us laugh.
Things were never the same after Albert passed away, but I knew they couldn’t ever be. It was just as if a part of me died too. There was nobody who could make me laugh like he did, nobody to love me like he did and nobody to talk over the old times with any more. It’s very lonely though the girls come round regularly and I want for nothing, but it’s just not the same now.
I don’t tell them how difficult it’s been this past couple of years. I don’t want to upset them. There’s so much to remember all the time, like checking the doors and windows at night and putting out the lights and remembering when the bins go out. It’s not easy being old, you forget things and your mind slips so easy from one thing to another. It is hard and to be honest it would be nice not to have all that responsibility any more.
But would I be happy in that place? They’ve taken me to visit it and it’s warm and comfortable and I would have my own room with my pictures and my own bits and pieces round me and the staff are ever so friendly and helpful. The girls keep pointing out all these things to me and tell me how much I would love it.
I know they worry about me and they really have my interests at heart. But I’m still not convinced - so they don’t know what to do with me.